“Sooo will you show me more of you? I think you’re so hot xox.” My read receipts are on — she can see that I’ve read her text. I just can’t think of anything to say. The evening had been pretty slow up to this point, and I hadn’t anticipated my mindless swiping on Tinder to land me here. Late night sexting was pretty arousing for us, Tinder Girl and I, but I couldn’t bring myself to show off in the way that she did. The shame I felt that night after our interaction followed me for days on end. How did something so blasé turn into a quick source of anxiety and pressure?
I doubt my feelings are unique; close friends and internet strangers alike have expressed the obligation to perform while sending nudes and sexting. Intimacy is condensed to a buzzing notification in a jean pocket, and even then, the sender and receiver aren’t seeing the other’s reaction in real time. The anxiety can become daunting and suck the empowering fun out of sexting. What was meant to be inconsequential sexy time turns into a mindwarp about how someone else will respond to your vulnerable state. Boo.
Desirability can feel like a prize to be won in a world where beauty standards are stifling and rigid. Preferences transform into purposeful exclusion, as seen in the “No Fats, No Blacks, No Femmes” mantra some users sport on dating apps like Grindr and Tinder. In addition to checking someone’s desirability box, it can also feel nice to know that you’ve been chosen. Love and hookups can come at the flick of a fingertip, and you just so happened to make the cut. Why wouldn’t you feel the weight of conforming to a partner’s tastes when it took so many hurdles to start talking in the first place?
Sure, we could go on and on discussing the possibilities of what could happen after sending a risqué pic. But instead of wondering if someone else will accept you, perhaps it’s time to flip the narrative a bit. Your body is magical. It keeps you alive, experiencing the world through an array of thoughts, sensations, and emotions. There is nobody that exists the same way that you can: unique bodies prove that! Suffice it to say, your body is a gift. Consider it a privilege that you are allowing someone else to see you unwrapped.
How do you arouse yourself? What outfits engulf you in bad bitch energy? These are the launching points to base your nude framework from. Stepping into your confidence is more than sexy; it radiates through more than just a photo. With newfound courage, hopefully the strength to enforce boundaries comes as a result. It’s often difficult to be upfront about your limits, but it can be done. Try a: “I’m holding back on x, but I would love to show you y ;).” Once you take the reins on your pleasure, respectful partners will follow suit.
Another fun idea to try: taking a nude for yourself. Some of the best empowerment flows naturally when there is no one else around. You may be surprised at the difference between a nude photo taken for someone else’s consumption versus one with no intentions of being sent. Some appreciate a slow burn tease or a raunchy exposure. Personally, I sense an air of softness to my casual photos, which really tends to emphasize the tense energy of the photos I’ve exchanged.
Knowing that my resting nude is calm, I have tried to recreate that feeling of comfort in non-sexual interactions with my body. The body is amazing, capable of contortions that bring joy and pleasure. But overall, it is just a body! They can shrink, get pimply, have stretch marks, and none of these attributes deem them less worthy of care.
I’ve found casual nudity — while cooking, painting around the house, doing laundry — to be helpful in my journey towards loving my body. Exercising care in my continual exposure has reinforced that I am… well... normal. Implicit or explicit, the world is trained to believe the notion that something is wrong with our bodies. Moments of assurance can be slim when surrounded by ads for weight loss detox teas, and skin bleaching creams. Race, size, gender, ability level, and other normal variances tend to be seen as traits in need of “fixing.” But does that mean we’re undesirable? Hell no!! It just means that capitalism thrives off of our insecurities perpetuated by structural racism, ableism, and toxic gender stereotyping. Perceived flaws are exploited through a mass of “beauty” products, then reinforced by a lack of body-inclusive representation. The responsibility falls on individuals to build up their self esteem, and despite it’s trickiness, I’m certain we all have the capacity.
We can’t escape the ingrained voice at the back of our minds yearning for external validation. We can, however, quiet the voice by looking on the inside first. The relationships fostered with our bodies are never perfect, but they can always be improved upon. Loving relationships start through gradual acceptance, and when you’re ready, share that gift with others how you please. Show as little or as much as you want. Embrace your personal pride, and the affirmation that will inevitably reflect back to you. Above being sexy, know that your body is a beautifully made masterpiece that deserves recognition as such.
Leo Smith (they/them) is a Black, queer, trans-nonbinary poet from Inglewood, CA. When they aren't studying poetry, Leo is probably somewhere contemplating their existence and trying to make art out of it. Follow Leo on Instagram: @_leo.sun